June 16, 2024
Discussing weddings is a delicate matter. The significance of weddings as the most significant and cherished days in a person’s life means that emotions can run high, especially when it comes to friends and family. A wedding is a mirror of your family dynamics. If things are harmonious, the wedding will reflect that. However, if your family history has been tumultuous, the wedding will also bring that to light.
One of my most infamous stories involved a bride and a sister who got into a fistfight at the wedding. The fight was about something at the rehearsal, but it wasn’t about the rehearsal; something in their relational past came to the surface during the wedding process. Another memorable incident was when a groom's ex-girlfriend showed up uninvited, causing a stir among the guests.
Early in my work with couples, I discovered the crucial role of understanding their background. At the start of our conversation, I delve into the ceremony details and the couple’s vision for the day. Once I have a grasp of that, I shift to the couple's story, how they met, and how they got engaged. I used to think this was the safest route, but I soon realized that understanding the couple's background is the key to successful wedding planning.
However, I was mistaken; discussing the ceremony details was more revealing than I had anticipated. By the time we walk through the basic outline of a service, I will have gained a wealth of knowledge about your faith, your family, and what you value, which is invaluable in planning a wedding.
First, I will be able to learn about your religious background. How religious are you? Your family? People who come to me are typically not looking for a church or cathedral wedding. They would usually have their ministers perform the ceremony in their home church if they were. But I can figure out whether you have faith, used to have faith, or are looking forward to re-entering faith just with a few pieces of information. Some people have “no faith” or the “I am spiritual, not religious” type. We call these people “Nones,” signifying they would check the “none” box in a list of choices.
Secondly, I learn about your friends and family. Who is coming? Who will not be in attendance? Who is in the procession? This conversation is crucial as it reveals the unique dynamics of your family. It helps us understand if the couple has had parents or grandparents pass away, or if they come from a divorced background. Will stepparents be included or pre-seated? All of this tells a story, and it's a story we want to understand and respect.
Then there is the big question. Once we figure out whether you are traditional, progressive, religious, or secular, the big one comes, sometimes with a hammer. Is your dad walking you down the aisle? I don't know if there is another wedding vendor who has the potential to see a bride in tears 15 minutes into a conversation, but I have. This is a sensitive topic, and we handle it with the utmost empathy and understanding.
Fortunately, for most of my weddings, this is a non-issue. The bride requests a traditional approach, and their dad walks her down the aisle. But for some, this is ripping off a band-aid. I used to think about hiding the question until later or finding a way around it. But the reality is that certain parts of the wedding just get ingrained into our collective psyche. The relationship between the father and the bride is one of those topics.
As I mentioned in the beginning, from weddings and funerals, I have learned that wherever your family is, it just is. Funerals capture people in all their brokenness and oddity. Weddings give us a little more warning, but are not much better. If there is anything I would say to a married couple with children considering divorce, think through your children’s wedding day. That may not be enough to keep a couple together, but if it at least encourages people toward civility, so be it.
The most challenging conversation is when the bride and father are not in a good place. Usually, there was a divorce story: Dad left, perhaps with someone else, and now the ugliness and pain of that moment need to be dealt with. I'm here to support you through this process and help you navigate these difficult family dynamics. Maybe it wasn’t Dad’s fault, but there are an overwhelming number of single mothers primarily raising children vs. single fathers.
As a wedding minister, I once had a bride spend most of the rehearsal on this one aspect of the wedding. She had a father who was estranged, a stepdad who was a good guy, and a mom who held it all together. After 30 minutes, we decided that Dad would walk the bride halfway down; he would then hand off the bride to stepdad, who would walk a third of the way down, and finally hand off the bride to Mom for the home stretch. It was awkward and clunky, but there was an issue of justice at the heart of it. Dad had not done all that Dad should and could have done. Stepdad did a good job, but he wasn't her biological father. At the heart of it, Mom was the best “Dad” of the three. She did not want to leave Dad out, but she did not want the procession to feature someone who had not done more than the others. We almost had it choreographed down to the number of steps.
Weddings are not the time to “fix it.” Whatever it is or was. While I say the wedding is not the time to fix it, the engagement might be a time to work on it. Work on the broken stuff before the wedding. Working on family-of-origin issues can help improve your current relationship with your fiancé/future spouse. With that, do not try to cram in an entire Family Systems Therapy process during an engagement. If you are intentional, you can start and continue it after the wedding, realizing that this story may never resolve. But for many brides, this is a considerable touchpoint, a moment that encapsulates the complexity of their family dynamics and the emotions involved. Wedding songs are beautiful and romantic. But Father-Daughter songs are where the tears flow. And there is a reason for that.
As a minister, one of the most challenging and rewarding things I do is preach on the major holidays. I preach on Christmas, Easter, Graduation, and Baccalaureate, and I get to preach on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Early in my ministry, I noticed a particular tone that I found myself falling into. And not just me, but many ministers. On Mother’s Day, I found myself urging people to “Love your mom.” Honor her, don’t forget about her, call her. On Father’s Day, the message was more about “Be a good dad, be present” or, more often, “Forgive your dad.” Maybe I was projecting. My relationship with my dad was fraught with difficulty. And perhaps it's my experience that draws me into the experience of brides.
One of the modern conversations in church and theology is the difficulty of some using strictly male pronouns to address God. There is progressive theology vs. conservative theology, politics, feminism, and concerns with misogyny. I do not want to get into all of that. However, it just boils down to a simple idea for many women and brides: "I did not get along with my dad. He abused us, left us, and hurt my mom." Pretty simple.
This past Father’s Day, I embarked on a search to do something different. I had exhausted all the typical Father's Day ideas. Then, I stumbled upon John chapter 14. In this passage, Jesus was talking about Heaven.
John 14:1-3: Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house; I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you. After I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”
While the passage is about heaven, it carries a universal message of comfort that I believe every struggling bride needs to hear. The disciples, much like many of us, were plagued by worry, anxiety, fear, and insecurity. In response, Jesus spoke the words we all long to hear from a loving father.
“Do not let your heart be troubled.” Or, in other words, “There, there, it is going to be ok—no need to worry. I am leaving, but I will be back. And when I come back, we will be together."
When Jesus declared, “My father’s house has many rooms,” he was not just describing heaven, but also expressing God's anticipation and joy for the future. He was saying, “I have been preparing for this day, thinking about you, and I am eager to be with you and celebrate with you.”
What we all seek in heaven is also what we long for at a wedding-the healing of our broken stories. Jesus assures us that the future is secure, and He will be there with us. If your family story doesn't bring you comfort, remember that Jesus's words can. Just as He comforted the disciples, His words can bring peace on your wedding day. Our true Father loves us and cares for us.
Here is my best advice to brides:
First, remember that this is one day. You do not have to do everything in one day, and nothing can be fixed in one day.
Second, on your wedding day, remember that grace always triumphs over justice. For brides with broken stories, the question of whether dad deserves to walk you down the aisle may arise. But remember, none of us truly deserves the good we receive in this life. Choose grace, it always feels better.
Third, remember that your wedding day is not just a day, but a significant event that will be remembered. Do not use it to make a statement or settle scores. Your decisions on this day will be remembered, not your ceremony. More importantly, your pictures will always tell a story that may have just been true in the moment.
Fourth, regardless of your family structure, premarital counseling is a crucial step. A good minister or premarital counselor will delve into your family of origin and how that has shaped you, providing valuable insights for your future together.
For more information about our premarital counseling program called SYMBIS, click here.
Thumbnail Image: Photo by Taylor Gray on Unsplash
Main Image: Photo by Ignatios Kourouvasilis