As we approach Thanksgiving in the United States, we look forward to the beginning of the holiday season. Thanksgiving is the official beginning of the holiday season. For me, it is a chance to spend time with my children and grandchildren, watch the Detroit Lions, and eat well.
Thanksgiving and Christmas can also be a landmine for family dynamics. All families have issues, and jokingly but also seriously, all families have a certain level of dysfunction. Why? Well, families are made of humans. We live our lives on a certain number of levels. There is our public or professional status, our married or immediate family level, and then there is our extended family or family of origin level.
You can be a bright, educated professional who is doing well in your business or field. But when you go home, you are the oldest, the youngest, the baby, the middle child. Within moments, you can cease being a 25-year-old and somehow become a middle schooler again, wondering if you are sitting at the kid's table this year.
It is strange. But it is family.
Here are a few tips to make sure you survive the holidays:
1. First and foremost, acknowledge that there will be challenges with different family dynamics. Just blowing it off and saying everything will be fine might not be a good idea. If this is your first holiday season as an engaged or married couple, know upfront that it will be different.
2. Remember that you are the translator for your spouse. This means that while you may understand all your family's inside jokes, your partner may not. “Is your uncle serious or joking?” “Wow, why did you never tell me that story before?”
3. Discuss what topics are safe and what might be off-limits. Some family situations are indeed pressure cookers for family dynamics. You are responsible for protecting your partner and not getting caught in a weird conversation. This year will be different, so prepare for it.
4. Once you acknowledge that this year will be different, commit to communicating and aligning as a couple. Setting aside time to discuss expectations, values, and boundaries is essential. To begin this discussion, use some conversation prompts, like: What traditions are most meaningful to you? or What do you hope to avoid this year? The goal is to establish boundaries together. Again, use the “united front” approach, where you support each other.
5. Discuss conflicting traditions before you experience them. How can you blend the traditions instead of choosing one over the other? You can also take the brave approach of stepping away from your traditions and creating a new tradition together.
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6. Preparing for potential conflict is wise. Get on the same page when handling sensitive topics (e.g., politics, parenting advice, etc.). I suggest having a “safe word” or signal to check in with each other discreetly throughout the visit.
7. Above all, prioritize your relationship. First, prioritize your relationship in the moment. You love your family; however, remember who you are getting in a car with at the end of the night. Secondly, prioritize your relationship in the season. Before and after family events, make sure you carve out time for just the two of you amid the holiday hustle. I am a huge advocate for Date Night. The basic principle of my Date Challenge is to “Go on a Date Once a Week.” This should not be put to the side during the holidays. If anything, it should be priority one. The busier the season, the more you need it. Your marriage is your primary relationship, not your extended family.
The holiday season always encourages us to practice gratitude and patience. The cliché "Reason for the Season" is still the reason for the season. Peace of Earth, Goodwill towards Men… applies to your family. Focus on the positives as a couple, even if the season doesn’t go perfectly. Always try to show grace to each other and your families.
As a married or engaged couple, this first holiday season is a learning experience. It will offer an opportunity to grow closer as a couple.
If there is any comfort, the Bible is full of dysfunctional families. And nonetheless, Jesus. Most of the time, when he encountered his relatives during his ministry, it was awkward. Once, when he visited his hometown in Nazareth, he was asked to read in the synagogue. They were so angry after what he said the whole town tried to throw him off a cliff ( Luke 4:16-30). How is that for a family reunion?
Even the birth story of Jesus, which for Christians is the backdrop of the season, is full of weird family dynamics. An angel announces to Mary that she will give birth to Jesus. Mary tells her fiancé Joseph, but Joseph does not believe her. So an angel has to show up and tell him. And while he believes it, it does not seem like the rest of the family believes it. Caesar Augustus called for a census (Luke 2:1-7), and all men and their families had to go to their hometowns to register. Joseph and Mary head to his hometown of Bethlehem. When they get there, there is no room at the inn, so Joseph and Mary have no choice but to use a stable. It is a beautiful story celebrated in nativity displays all around the world. But if you step back and ask some questions, it gets weird.
Bethlehem is Joseph’s hometown. That means all of his relatives would be in town. If Joseph had brothers, uncles, or cousins, they would all be in town that Christmas night. And Joseph cannot go to any of their homes? Why? Most likely, they have been shunned by their family. Joseph and Mary saw an angel (Luke 1:26-37, Matthew 1:18-25), but no one else did. The family assumed the worst about this baby and thought they were making up a story to cover up an unwed pregnancy. So, the Christmas story is birthed out of a dysfunctional family story. But that is why Jesus came. He came for his dysfunctional family and yours.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.