June 16, 2024
Talking about weddings can be a risky business. If weddings are the biggest and most important days of a person’s life, it stands to reason there can be some emotional flashpoints when it comes to friends and family. When a wedding shows up, your family is what it is. If things are good, the wedding will reveal that. If your family story has been less than perfect, the wedding will also reveal that.
One of my most infamous stories involved a bride and a sister who got into a fistfight at the wedding. The fight was about something at the rehearsal, but it wasn’t about the rehearsal; something in their relational past came to the surface during the wedding process.
Early in my work with couples, I realized how quickly I could dive into the deep end. At the beginning of my conversation with couples, I like to discuss the ceremony details and get a sense of the couple’s vision for the day. Once I have some of that down, I move into the background and story of the couples, how they met, and how they got engaged. I used to think this was the safest route.
But I was wrong; discussing the ceremony told me a lot. By the time we are done walking through the basic outline of a service, I will know a lot about your faith, your family, and what you value.
First, I will learn about your religious background. How religious are you? Your family? People who come to me are typically not looking for a church or cathedral wedding. They would usually have their ministers do the ceremony in their home church if they were. But I can figure out whether you have faith, used to have faith, or are looking forward to re-entering faith just with a few pieces of information. Some people have “no faith” or the “I am spiritual, not religious” type. We call these people “Nones,” signifying they would check the “none” box in a list of choices.
Secondly, I learn about your friends and family. Who is coming? Who will not be in attendance? Who is in the processional? This usually reveals whether the couple has had parents or grandparents pass away or if they come from a divorced background. Will stepparents be included or pre-seated? All of this tells a story.
Then there is the big question. Once we figure out whether you are traditional, progressive, religious, or secular, the big one comes, sometimes with a hammer. Is your dad walking you down the aisle? I am not sure if there is another wedding vendor who has the potential to see a bride in tears 15 minutes into a conversation, but I have.
Fortunately, I would say for most of my weddings, this is a non-issue. The bride requests a traditional approach, and their dad walks her down the aisle. But for some, this is a band-aid being ripped off. I used to think about hiding the question until later or finding a way around it. But the reality is that certain parts of the wedding just get ingrained into our collective psyche. The Father and the Bride are one of those topics.
As I mentioned in the beginning, from weddings and funerals, I have learned that wherever your family is, it just is. Funerals capture people in all their brokenness and oddity. Weddings give us a little more warning but are not much better. If there is anything I would say to a married couple with children considering divorce, think through your children’s wedding day. That may not be enough to keep a couple together, but if it at least encourages people toward civility, so be it.
The most challenging conversation is when the bride and father are not in a good place. Usually, there was a divorce story: Dad left, perhaps with someone else, and now the ugliness and pain of that moment need to be dealt with. Maybe it wasn’t dad’s fault, but there are an overwhelming number of single mothers primarily raising children vs. single fathers.
I once had a bride spend most of the rehearsal on this one aspect of the wedding. She had a father who was estranged, a stepdad who was a good guy, and a mom who held it all together. After 30 minutes, we decided that Dad would walk the bride halfway down; he would then hand off the bride to stepdad, who would walk a third of the way down, and finally hand off the bride to Mom for the home stretch. It was awkward and clunky, but there was an issue of justice at the heart of it. Dad had not done all that dad should and could have done. Stepdad did a good job, but he was not blood. At the heart of it, Mom was the best dad of the three. She did not want to leave Dad out, but she did not want the processional to feature someone who had not done more than the others. We almost had it choreographed down to the number of steps.
Weddings are not the time to “fix it.” Whatever it is or was. While I say the wedding is not the time to fix it, engagement might be a time to work on it. Work on the broken stuff before the wedding. Working on family-of-origin issues will help your current relationship with your fiancé/ future spouse. With that, do not try to cram in an entire Family Systems Therapy process during an engagement. If you are intentional, you can start now and continue it after the wedding. Realizing that it may well never be finished. But for many brides, this is a considerable touchpoint. Wedding songs are beautiful and romantic. But Father-Daughter songs are where the tears flow. And there is a reason for that.
Asa minister, one of the most challenging and rewarding things I do is preach on the major holidays. I preach on Christmas, Easter, Graduation, and Baccalaureate, and I get to preach on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Early in my ministry, there was a tone that I caught myself falling into. And not just me, but many ministers. On Mother’s Day, I told people to “Love your mom.” Honor her, don’t forget about her, call her. On Father’s Day, the message was more about “Be a good dad, be present” or, more often, “Forgive your dad.” Maybe I was projecting. My relationship with my dad was fraught with difficulty. And perhaps it's my experience that draws me into the experience of brides.
One of the modern conversations in church and theology is the difficulty of some using strictly male pronouns to address God. There is progressive theology vs. conservative theology, politics, feminism, and concerns with misogyny. I do not want to get into all of that. However, it just boils down to a simple idea for many women and brides… "I did not get along with my dad. He abused us, left us, hurt my mom." Pretty simple.
This past Father’s Day, I was on a search to do something different. I had run through all the typical Father's Day ideas. I found John chapter 14. In this passage, Jesus was talking about Heaven.
John 14:1-3: Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me. 2 There are many rooms in my Father’s house; I would not tell you this if it were not true. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3 After I go and prepare a place for you, I will comeback and take you to be with me so that you may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”
While it is a passage about heaven, I realized that Jesus was saying something I wanted to tell every struggling bride. The disciples were worried, anxious, fearful, and insecure. Jesus says what we all wish our dads would say.
“Do not let your heart be troubled.” Or, in other words, “There, there, it is going to be ok—no need to worry. I am leaving, but I will be back. And when I come back, we will be together."
When Jesus said, “My father’s house has many rooms,” he was speaking for God, saying the future is bright. He was saying, “I have been thinking about you and preparing for this day. I am looking forward to being with you and celebrating with you.”
What humanity looks for in heaven is also what we wish at a wedding. People want the broken parts of their story fixed. Jesus says the future is secure, and He will be there with you. If your family story does not comfort you, maybe Jesus's words will. Jesus calmed the disciples with this; perhaps it can help on your wedding day. Our true Father loves us and cares for us.
Here is my best advice to brides:
First, remember that this is one day. You do not have to do everything in one day, and nothing can be fixed in one day.
Second, grace always feels better than justice on a wedding day. Choose grace. For brides with broken stories, you can wonder, “Does dad deserve to walk you down?” Maybe not. But none of us deserve the good we receive in this life.
Third, do not make a statement at your wedding. I have seen people use the wedding day to settle the score. Do not do this. You will be remembered for this decision, not your ceremony. More importantly, your pictures will always tell a story that may have just been true in the moment.
Fourth, no matter what your family structure is, do premarital counseling. A good minister or premarital counselor will talk about your family of origin and how that has shaped you.
For more information about our premarital counseling program called SYMBIS, click here.